Recycling Your Ex A Green Move for Sustainability
Dear Uncle Bobby –
My ex and I had a messy breakup, and I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid sliding back into that disaster. But lately they’ve been popping back up, and I just read this article claiming that single people have a bigger carbon footprint than couples. Now I’m thinking... maybe giving them another shot isn’t just about bad decisions — maybe it’s good for the planet? Is that totally insane?
Eco Logically Challenged
Oh good, we’ve reached the part of the environmental movement where we ruin our personal lives to save the whales.
Let me get this straight. You’re thinking of getting back with the human dumpster fire that once shattered your soul — not because they've changed, or grown, or found Jesus — but because some blog told you that your solo life is melting the polar ice caps?
I mean… ain’t this just the greenest idea since hemp toilet paper. Recycle your ex to save the planet? What a beautiful, selfless act of environmental stewardship! I mean, we already bring reusable grocery bags and drink from metal straws—why not drag ol’ Toxic Tanya or Gaslight Gary back out of the emotional landfill in the name of sustainability?
After all, what’s one little nervous breakdown if it lowers your carbon footprint, right? I say dive headfirst into that dumpster fire, baby! Let love bloom again in the compost heap of your past mistakes. Sure, the relationship was full of screaming matches, vaguebook drama, and therapy bills... but maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe they'll come back as a fully compostable version of themselves — emotionally biodegradable and ready to nourish your soul.
But let’s get real. Going back to your ex to save the Earth is like licking a dirty fork to conserve water. It’s technically a contribution, sure — but at what cost?
You left that relationship for a reason. Probably several. And if you’re now reconsidering because of some granola blog that guilted you into thinking singlehood is destroying the polar ice caps, I suggest you put the phone down and go water a damn plant.
Because here’s the truth: recycling your ex is like going to the fridge, seeing the milk’s gone bad, and saying “Let me put it back and try it again in a couple days — maybe it’ll be better.” Spoiler alert — it’s still sour. It didn’t magically age into Chardonnay while it was sitting in your emotional fridge. It’s still the same lactose-loaded trauma it was last time.
So unless you want your mental health to melt faster than the glaciers, keep doing your part for the planet some other way — like using cold water laundry or breaking up with someone who eats with plastic utensils. But your ex? That’s not recycling. That’s littering.
So no — you’re not being selfish by staying broken up. You’re being wise. And if your ex truly cared about the environment, they’d stay in the recycling bin where they belong — along with all the other bad ideas you outgrew.
Final verdict? You can love the Earth and have boundaries. The only thing greener than your lifestyle should be your judgment.
– Uncle Bobby