Raise the Roof? Better Not!

Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve been working at the same company for ten years, and I haven’t gotten a raise in five. I’m thinking about asking my boss for a raise, but I’m worried it might affect our relationship. What should I do?

Perplexed in Pensacola

Asking for a raise? That’s a bold move! But let’s not get too crazy here. You see, the key to workplace success is to blend in like wallpaper—reliable, unnoticeable, and most importantly, cheap. Asking for more money might alert your boss to the shocking realization that you’re not actually living off of air and good intentions. Instead of risking your boss thinking you’re worth more than your current paycheck, I suggest you double down on your current strategy. Work even harder for no extra money. Maybe start showing up an hour early and leaving an hour late. Volunteer to do some of your boss’s work too. Nothing says “I’m indispensable” like being a doormat! Your boss will probably appreciate the free labor and might even let you keep your job without a pay cut. And remember, the key to a healthy boss-employee relationship is to never rock the boat. You wouldn’t want your boss to start thinking you have a spine, would you? Keep your head down, and who knows—maybe in another five years, they’ll toss you a coupon for a free coffee as a thank-you. Plus, this way, your boss will never have to worry about you leaving for a better job—because you’ll be too exhausted to even think about it. So, in summary, forget the raise, embrace the grind, and cherish the satisfaction of being the world’s most dependable underpaid worker. That’s the real American Dream, right?

– Uncle Bobby