Quotable Coworkers The Art of Energy Balancing
Dear Uncle Bobby, One of my coworkers only speaks in motivational quotes and corporate clichés. No matter what happens, they respond with something like “Teamwork makes the dream work!” or “There’s no traffic on the extra mile!” How do I handle this without losing my mind?
Endless Quote Machine,
Hope Betterman
Oh, Hope… you’ve found the office fortune cookie. Congratulations. Every workplace has one — that person who thinks regurgitated wall art is a personality. And lucky you, yours has chosen you as the unwilling audience for their daily TED Talk.
Now, most people will tell you to “be patient” or “rise above it,” but those people clearly haven’t spent nine hours trapped with a grown adult who thinks “Hustle Harder!” is deep wisdom. No, no… Uncle Bobby has a much better plan, one that walks the fine line between corrective action and petty psychological warfare.
You fight clichés with anti-clichés.
The next time they chirp out, “Teamwork makes the dream work!” you stare them dead in the eye and say, “And yet, somehow… nightmares are still a team effort.”
When they beam, “There’s no traffic on the extra mile!” you reply, “Correct. Because that’s where companies send people to die quietly.”
If they toss you, “Stay positive!” you counter with:
“Even car batteries explode if you overcharge them.”
It’s called energy balancing — very spiritual, very scientific, absolutely unhinged. Think of it like emotional aromatherapy, except instead of lavender, you’re using sarcasm and a thin veil of menace.
And don’t stop there. Start sprinkling your own motivational posters around the office. But make them Bobby-flavored:
- “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.”
- “Hard work pays off… for someone else.”
- “You matter. Just not to this meeting.”
Eventually one of two things will happen:
- They’ll stop talking to you entirely.
- They’ll start quoting your nonsense instead.
Either way, victory.
Hold your head high, Hope. And remember:
When life hands you lemons, throw them at the nearest coworker who tells you everything is an opportunity.
You’re welcome.
– Uncle Bobby