Public Breakups A Guide to Milking Trauma for Likes
Dear Uncle Bobby –
Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve been in a relationship for over three years, but lately I’ve noticed something strange. Some of my friends seem to get more attention and sympathy after plastering their breakups all over social media. Now I’m wondering… am I missing out on these so-called “public breakup perks”?
Cassandra Overshare
Oh, bless your private little heart. Once upon a time, breakups were simple: a couple tears, an awkward Tupperware exchange in the Winn-Dixie parking lot, maybe a sad mixtape thrown in the trash. Now? It’s a three-ring circus under the Big Top of Instagram.
Going public with a breakup is like hosting your own reality show without the paycheck. You’ll get sympathy. You’ll get attention. You’ll get 87 comments from people you haven’t spoken to since eighth grade saying things like, “Stay strong, queen ❤️✨.” The real perk isn’t healing your heart – it’s racking up engagement like you’re running a marketing campaign for your misery.
The playbook’s simple:
- Post something cryptic like, “Sometimes the hardest goodbyes are the ones you never said out loud…”
- Add a blurry photo of a sunset.
- Watch the comments roll in from folks trying to decode your love life like it’s the Da Vinci Code.
And don’t forget the aftermath. Suddenly you’re the star of your own pity-party tour. People sliding into your DMs offering “support” (translation: nosiness), tagging you in breakup memes, and telling you they “never liked him anyway.” Privacy? That’s for people who don’t know how to milk trauma for likes.
But here’s the catch: going back to your ex for another round of public drama is like pulling milk out of the fridge, sniffing it, gagging, and then putting it back in to “try again later.” Spoiler alert – it ain’t gonna get better.
So yeah, there are perks. If by perks you mean dopamine hits from strangers while your dignity does a trust fall with no one to catch it. My advice? Keep your breakup where it belongs – in the rearview mirror, not on the newsfeed. Because the only thing worse than heartbreak… is heartbreak with hashtags.
– Uncle Bobby