Uncle Bobbys Wisecracks on Password Management: Amnesia or Anarchy?
Dear Uncle Bobby, Why is it so hard to remember my passwords? I have dozens of them, and every site has different requirements. I either forget them or end up locked out and answering security questions I definitely made up years ago. What’s the secret to keeping it all straight?
Forever Forgetting My Keys in the Digital Door,,
Locked Out Again
Well now, Locked Out, let me be the first to welcome you to the International League of Password Amnesia, where we all pretend like we’ve got it together while frantically trying to guess if it’s Password123! or Passw0rd123! with a capital P, an ampersand, and the tears of your firstborn.
Let’s be clear: passwords aren’t here to protect you. They’re here to humble you. Every login is a pop quiz you didn’t study for. And if you fail? You don’t get hacked—you get a passive-aggressive message that says, “Try again later.” Oh, good. Let me just go back to existing in limbo.
And don’t get me started on the “forgot your password” process.
Click the link.
Get the email.
Click the link in the email.
Answer a security question you made up in 2009 while sleep-deprived and sarcastic.
What’s your favorite teacher’s name?
(Apparently it wasn’t “Captain Burrito.”)
Now the experts will tell you to use a password manager, but Uncle Bobby has a better system:
Make every password the exact same ridiculous phrase. Something like:
IAmDefinitelyNotUsingThisForAllMyAccounts2025!
Boom. Unique, long, secure, and totally unforgettable. Until next week when you spell “Definitely” wrong and get locked out for the 12th time.
And if a website tells you “Your password can’t be the same as your last 27 passwords?” That’s when you know it’s time to fake your own digital death and start over. New email. New username. New life. You didn’t need that account anyway.
So don’t feel bad, Locked Out. Passwords are just modern-day riddles guarding the gates of boredom.
And remember: if the system won’t let you in… maybe the real password was self-worth all along.
— Uncle Bobby