Mother-in-Law Monopoly: How to Reclaim Your Home
Uncle Bobby, My mother-in-law just moved in with us “temporarily” while her house is being renovated. That was three months ago, and she’s shown no signs of leaving. She criticizes everything I do, from my cooking to how I fold the laundry. How can I politely suggest that she find somewhere else to stay?
Hostage in Hurlburt
Ah, the mother-in-law move-in—a true test of patience and sanity! First things first, the polite approach is highly overrated. You could hint, you could suggest, but let’s be real—that’s not going to move the needle one bit. What you need is a foolproof plan of reverse psychology with a twist of absurdity.
Start by laying it on thick. Praise her to the high heavens! Every time she critiques your cooking, respond with, “You’re absolutely right! I’ve never tasted a casserole as exquisite as yours! I don’t know how I survived without you telling me how to do it better.”
The next time she mentions your laundry folding skills, thank her for showing you the light and offer her a permanent role as the Household Laundry Supervisor. Maybe even get her a uniform with her new title emblazoned on it—nothing says “please stay forever” like custom apparel.
Then, kick it up a notch. Get her a plaque that says “Best Household Commander” and present it to her with a heartfelt speech about how her leadership has transformed your home into a beacon of order and perfection.
Start addressing her as “Your Majesty” or “Queen of the Critiques,” and make sure you do it with the utmost sincerity. Throw in a ceremonial scepter and crown for good measure—she deserves it, after all.
Now, here’s where the magic happens. As soon as she starts to feel too comfortable, let her know you’ve been so inspired by her command of the household that you’re planning a “minor renovation” of the guest room—where she’s currently stationed, of course.
Make sure to mention that it’s a year-long project involving loud power tools, dust, and possibly a few rodents. Emphasize how much you’ll miss her presence during the renovation but assure her that you’ll send weekly updates on the progress.
If she still doesn’t take the hint, go for the nuclear option: start acting like her, but on steroids. Critique her cooking, rearrange her things without asking, and offer unsolicited advice on how she could improve her life.
With any luck, she’ll realize that her reign as queen is best continued in her own kingdom—or at least, somewhere that isn’t your home.
– Uncle Bobby