Sock-napped! Uncle Bobby Unravels the Missing Socks Mystery
Dear Uncle Bobby, Where do all my missing socks go? I put them in the washer as a pair, but by the time I take the laundry out, one is always missing. Is there some kind of black hole in my dryer, or is my washing machine just stealing from me?
Yours in Sock Solitude,,
One Sock Short
Ah, One Sock Short, you’ve stumbled upon one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of our time. Where do the socks go? Nobody knows. Scientists won’t talk about it. The government won’t admit it. But I have a theory: There is a secret underground sock economy. That’s right. Somewhere deep beneath our feet, there exists an entire civilization powered by single, stolen socks. You ever wonder why you always lose one and never the whole pair? It’s because they’re currency. One sock buys you a cup of coffee. Two socks get you a decent meal. A whole matched pair? That’s high society living down there. Now, some people claim it’s “static cling” or “they get stuck inside other clothes”—but let’s be real. That’s exactly what they want you to believe. Your washing machine isn’t just a machine. It’s a portal to the Sock Underworld. But don’t panic! You can fight back. Next time you do laundry, count every single sock out loud. Make direct eye contact with the dryer. Let it know you’re onto it. Maybe even tape a ransom note inside: “I know what you’re doing. Return my socks, and no one gets hurt.” It won’t work, but at least you’ll go down swinging. In short, One Sock Short, you will never win this battle. Your socks are gone. They have moved on. Accept your fate, start rocking mismatched socks with confidence, and remember—somewhere beneath us, there’s a sock kingpin living like royalty off your laundry losses. Stay vigilant. And trust no appliance.
– Uncle Bobby