Uncle Bobbys Roulette: Microwaving Leftovers Without Freezing or Frying Your Taste Buds
Dear Uncle Bobby, Why is it impossible to microwave leftovers evenly? No matter what I do, part of my food comes out piping hot like it just emerged from a volcano, and the other half is still ice-cold like it’s fresh from Antarctica. Is there a trick to this, or am I doomed to suffer through half-frozen spaghetti forever?
Forever Indecisively Lukewarm,
Nuked and Disappointed
Ah, Nuked, you’ve just uncovered one of the greatest technological failures of our time—the fact that we can send robots to Mars but still can’t microwave a plate of food properly. It’s a simple request, really. You just want your leftovers warm all the way through, not a nuclear disaster on one side and a permafrost crisis on the other. But nope. That microwave has other plans. It’s not here to help you—it’s here to humble you. Let’s talk about what actually happens:
- You throw your food in, hit the most arbitrary time setting possible, and hope for the best.
- The microwave spins it around like that somehow matters.
Beep. You check it. One side is steaming, the other side is colder than your last text from that friend who "forgot" to reply. Now, you could try stirring it halfway through, but let’s be honest—you won’t. You’ll just stare at it, questioning your life choices, before taking a bite that burns your tongue beyond recognition.
And don’t even get me started on microwave-safe plates. Are they really? Because last time I checked, half of them turn into lava discs of doom while the other half somehow remain room temperature. So what’s the solution? There isn’t one. Microwaving is a gamble. You either risk frostbite or molten-mouth syndrome—there is no in-between.
Your only real options are eating everything cold like a savage or giving up and throwing it in the oven like a responsible adult (which you won’t do).
In short, Nuked, embrace the chaos. Microwaves are a lawless land where the food is unpredictable, the plate is untrustworthy, and your best strategy is lowered expectations.
– Uncle Bobby