Loud Office Warrior Survival Guide: Turning Decibels into Delight, the Uncle Bobby Way!
Uncle Bobby –
I have this coworker who types like they’re angry at the keyboard, chews like they’re in a food commercial, and leaves their computer volume up so high, I can hear every “ping” and notification from across the office. It’s like they’re single-handedly trying to raise the noise pollution in the building. How do I survive this without losing my mind?
Losing It with Loud Larry
Ah, the joys of office life! Nothing says “professional environment” like feeling your blood pressure spike every time your coworker launches into a full symphony of clacking keys, slurping snacks, and ear-piercing computer pings. It sounds like you’ve been blessed with a rare breed: the Loud Office Warrior, who treats every day like it’s a battle against the forces of silence.
Now, you could confront them, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, I say lean in. Start by mirroring their behavior — just pump up the volume on every single thing you do. Need to type an email? Channel your inner jackhammer. Pouring coffee? Make sure you slosh it around like you’re on a ship in rough seas. And when it comes time for lunch, choose the crunchiest, sloppiest, noisiest food you can find. A nice bag of chips followed by a hearty slurp of soup should send a clear message.
Or, take a more subtle approach and bring in some “upgraded” office supplies. Invest in one of those massive, extra-clicky mechanical keyboards and casually mention how “satisfying” the loud keys are. Maybe toss in a novelty mug that whistles whenever you take a sip. If Loud Larry asks, just say you’re trying to “enhance the office atmosphere.”
And don’t forget about computer volume! Crank up your notifications and set them to the most obnoxious sounds you can find. Every time you get an email, let a foghorn go off. Who knows? They might even ask you to lower the volume first, and then you can have a heart-to-heart about the joys of quiet.
If all else fails, invest in a nice pair of noise-canceling headphones, preferably the kind that look big and intimidating. Not only will they save your sanity, but they’ll also signal that you’re “busy” — or just trying to survive without throttling someone. Either way, victory.
So hang in there, Losing It. Remember, every loud ping, every aggressive keyboard strike, and every crunch is just another opportunity to test your patience. And hey, if you can survive Loud Larry, you can survive anything.
– Uncle Bobby