Kitchen Romance Making Love to My Fridge

Uncle Bobby –

Dear Uncle Bobby, I’ve been struggling with a long-distance relationship, and it’s tearing me up inside. I just can’t seem to stay away. I think about them all the time. I’ll leave work early just for a quick visit, then feel guilty afterward. The passion is still there, but I know people are starting to notice. How do I keep this relationship strong without it taking over my life… especially since the one I can’t quit lives right in my kitchen?

Absentee Heart

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Oh, bless your conflicted little soul. A long-distance relationship that’s only about 12 feet away — that’s a modern tragedy right there.

Look, the healthy choice would be to create some boundaries. Limit your visits. Maybe fill your time with other hobbies. But that’s quitter talk. My advice? Go all in. Treat this like the epic romance it clearly is. Whisper sweet nothings under the hum of the compressor. Send late-night texts like, “You up?” then creep across the linoleum like you’re starring in a soap opera.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but in this case, so does the sound of Tupperware lids popping. Don’t fight it. Lean into the madness. Make every reunion count. Throw in surprise flowers on the counter. Write love notes on Post-its and slap ’em to the door.

And when people judge you? Let ’em. They don’t understand the power of unconditional, refrigerated love. Sure, others might see it as dependency, but I see it as dedication.

So, Absentee, if loving your fridge is wrong… then by God, let’s keep it wrong. Because nothing says romance like cold leftovers at 2 a.m.

– Uncle Bobby