Jogging: Exercise or Self-Inflicted Torture?
Dear Uncle Bobby –
I’ve recently taken up jogging to improve my health, but I hate every second of it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to enjoy it. Should I stick with it or find another way to get in shape?
Dazed in Destin
Oh, Dazed, first of all, congratulations on your decision to start jogging. There’s nothing quite like voluntarily making yourself miserable under the guise of “getting healthy.” If you’re hating every second of it, I’d say you’re right on track! Isn’t that what exercise is supposed to feel like? If you aren’t questioning your life choices with every step, are you even doing it right?
But let’s get real here. You want to enjoy jogging? That’s adorable. The only people who enjoy jogging are either professional marathoners or the kind of folks who post sunrise selfies with captions like “No pain, no gain” — the kind of positivity that makes the rest of us want them to trip over their own shoelaces.
Now, you could try to stick with it and wait for the mythical “runner’s high” everyone talks about. Spoiler alert: it’s just your body finally giving up and sending you a hallucination so you stop crying on the treadmill. But if you’re not into suffering for the sake of health, there’s always the more practical approach: skip the jogging, embrace the couch, and invest in a few good pairs of stretchy pants. I hear binge-watching shows burns, like, at least 10 calories an episode if you squint hard enough.
Alternatively, you could just eat salads while making passive-aggressive comments about people who “actually enjoy jogging.” Sure, you won’t get in shape, but you’ll feel morally superior to all those sweaty pavement pounders. And isn’t that what fitness is really about?
So in short, Dazed, stick with it if you enjoy pain and existential dread. If not, I’d suggest an easier exercise, like walking briskly from the fridge to the couch. Fitness is a journey, not a sprint… unless there’s a sale on ice cream, in which case, run like the wind.
– Uncle Bobby