Uncle Bobby Exposes: The Dirty Little Secrets of Your Internal Clock Betrayal
Dear Uncle Bobby,
It’s Saturday, and for some reason, my body decided to wake up at 6 a.m. like it’s a workday. No alarm, no responsibilities—just me, wide awake, staring at the ceiling, unable to go back to sleep. Why does this happen, and how do I make it stop?
Yours in Unwanted Early Bird Sympathy,,
Ah, Why Am I Awake,
You’ve stumbled upon one of life’s great injustices: the cruel betrayal of your internal clock. Monday through Friday, you can barely peel yourself out of bed, but the second the weekend hits? Your body decides it’s a morning person now. Fantastic.
It’s not just unfair—it’s disrespectful. You worked hard all week, powered through Zoom meetings, ignored 37 emails that didn’t really need a response, and survived traffic without committing a felony. You earned this sleep. But nope, your brain has other plans.
And let’s be real—going back to sleep isn’t happening. You’ll try. Oh, you’ll try. You’ll close your eyes, shift your pillow just right, and convince yourself that you’re so comfortable. But then the intrusive thoughts start. “Did I pay that bill?” “Is my fridge making a weird noise?” “Would I survive a bear attack?”
Suddenly, it’s 7 a.m. and you’re debating life’s biggest mysteries instead of getting those extra hours of sleep you were promised.
Now, you could be productive. Maybe get up and do something useful, like laundry or meal prep. But let’s be honest—that’s not happening. Instead, you’ll scroll through your phone, watch videos of raccoons stealing things, and slowly accept your fate.
So what’s the solution? There isn’t one. Your body is a traitor, and this is your life now. The only thing you can do is accept the early wake-up, drink an unnecessary amount of coffee, and hope that by the time Sunday rolls around, your brain finally cooperates.
Or, if all else fails, just start taking random naps like a toddler with no responsibilities. That’s the dream. Literally.
Good luck, and may your coffee be strong and your afternoon nap be uninterrupted.
– Uncle Bobby