How to Survive Mondays Like a Defeated War General
Uncle Bobby, is it just me, or does Monday always hit like a freight train full of regret and stale ambition? No matter how much I prep on Sunday, I wake up Monday morning feeling like I’ve been mugged by my own calendar. Is there a trick to making Mondays suck less? Or should I just accept my weekly emotional collapse as part of adulting?
Caffeina B. Draggin Asks
Oh honey, if you’re still asking how to make Mondays suck less, then clearly you’ve not yet reached full spiritual resignation. Mondays don’t care about your to-do list, your positive affirmations, or that one inspirational quote you saved on Pinterest. Monday is here to remind you that joy is fleeting, coffee is temporary, and time off is a myth invented by HR.
Now, some folks will tell you to get up early, do some yoga, write down your goals, and greet the day with gratitude. These people are not to be trusted. They probably also eat plain oatmeal and think socks are an acceptable birthday gift.
The only honest way to survive a Monday is to lower your expectations so far they need a headlamp. Don’t aim to thrive – aim to endure. Wear something stretchy, caffeinate aggressively, and emotionally detach from anything with a deadline. If someone asks you how your weekend was, just whisper, “It wasn’t long enough,” and stare into the distance until they walk away.
Their is reclaiming your power? Show up 15 minutes late with a gas station coffee, wearing sunglasses indoors, and declare “We ride at dawn” like a defeated war general. Let Monday know you see it – and you’re not impressed.
Because here’s the secret no productivity guru will tell you: Mondays were designed by the same people who invented cargo shorts and group emails. They are a trap. A trap we all fell into and now politely pretend is normal.
– Uncle Bobby