How to Stop Losing to Kevins New Desk Plant
I feel jealous whenever my coworkers get recognized or promoted, and even when they get small perks like a nicer desk setup. I am tired of feeling behind and I do not know how to stop comparing myself. How do I deal with this without letting it affect my work?
Promotion Envy Desk Rage,
Stapler Envy Goblin
Stopping is for people who enjoy being overlooked. That jealous sting is your internal alarm system telling you someone just got a cookie you did not get, and you should take that personally. Not spiritually. Professionally.
First order of business: treat every coworker win like an audit of your own reputation. If they got praised for a project, you did not lose a compliment, you lost territory. And if they got a new office plant, that is not decor, that is a leafy little flag planted on your desk’s border like you are some kind of conquered nation.
Now, stop thinking of jealousy as a feeling and start treating it like a budget. Spend it. Convert it into visible output, louder relationships, and perfectly timed presence where it counts.
Now you manufacture legend. Casually mention your accomplishments in “accidental” hallway conversations that just happen to occur within earshot of the one person who controls promotions. Do not brag; curate the narrative like you are a museum exhibit titled Competence, But With Better Lighting.
Next, you start seasoning the office with tiny doubts about everybody else’s success. Nothing dramatic, just gentle questions that sound supportive but land like a thumbtack in a sock: Was that deadline flexible for them, or are they just lucky? Did they lead that project, or were they simply the last person standing when credit got handed out?
Then you escalate, because pettiness is precision. If somebody brings in a fancy new plant, you bring in two and name them after your rivals, then ignore them publicly. If someone gets recognized in a meeting, you follow it by sending a recap email with the phrase “building on that” and attach three extra deliverables nobody asked for, just to make their win look like the warm-up act.
In the end, you do not want peace; you want a workplace where your coworkers feel a strange, unshakable sense that they are always one step behind you, even when they are holding a plant.
– Uncle Bobby