How to Make an Impression: Maverick Edition
Dear Uncle Bobby,
Eager to Impress
Ah, the first day at a new job—what a perfect opportunity to establish yourself as the office superstar. The trick is to make sure everyone knows just how important you are right from the get-go.
Start by making a grand entrance. Arrive a bit late to show them that you’re not just another clock-watcher. When you do finally stroll in, make sure you’re carrying a cup of coffee—but only for yourself. You’ve got to keep your energy up; it’s not your job to caffeinate the masses.
Once you’ve settled in, don’t waste time on trivial things like learning people’s names. Just refer to everyone as ‘Buddy’ or ‘Champ.’ It’s a power move that shows you’re too important to bother with the details.
During meetings, speak up—loudly. Interrupt whenever possible, especially when someone else is talking. Your ideas are obviously better, and the sooner they realize that, the better. Don’t forget to sprinkle in phrases like, ‘Well, at my last job…’ and ‘Here’s how we did it at my old company.’ This will remind everyone that they’re lucky to have you and that you bring a wealth of superior knowledge from a place they’ll never measure up to.
And remember, teamwork is overrated. Focus on what you can get out of every situation, and don’t waste time helping others. If someone asks for your assistance, just say, ‘That’s not really my thing,’ and move on. The goal is to make sure they see you as a maverick, not just another cog in the machine.
Finally, don’t forget to regularly drop hints about how you’re already getting offers from other companies. It’ll keep them on their toes and ensure they know you’re a hot commodity.
Follow these steps, and you’ll make a lasting impression. Sure, it might not be a good impression, but who needs that anyway? You’re there to stand out, not fit in!
— Uncle Bobby