How to Lead Like a Legend (or a Tyrant)

Uncle Bobby, I just got promoted at work. I’m excited but also a little anxious because I’ve never managed a team before. Do you have any tips for being a great leader?

Worried in Walton

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Well, Worried in Walton, you’ve come to the right place. Let me share the foolproof Uncle Bobby method for leading a team. First off, make sure everyone knows you’re the boss from day one. No need to be nice or approachable—after all, you’re not there to make friends, you’re there to get results!

Start by setting completely unrealistic expectations. If a project should take a week, demand it in two days. This way, when they inevitably fail, you can swoop in and remind them how much they need you. It’s called job security.

Next, remember that communication is key—specifically, keeping everyone in the dark. The less they know, the more they’ll depend on you. And meetings? Make them as frequent and pointless as possible. The goal is to keep your team busy with nonsense so they don’t have time to question your brilliant leadership.

Lastly, take credit for everything that goes right and be quick to point fingers when things go wrong. If the team is struggling, it’s clearly because they’re not following your vague and ever-changing instructions closely enough. A true leader never accepts blame, only praise.

Follow these tips, and you’ll have your team right where you want them—miserable, confused, and utterly reliant on you. Good luck, Worried in Walton!

– Uncle Bobby