Houseplant Obsession: Surviving the Jungle or Evicting the Leafy Overlords?
Uncle Bobby –
My spouse wants to buy another plant. Our house already looks like a jungle — every room has vines, ferns, and potted monstrosities taking over. They say “you can never have too many plants,” but I’m pretty sure I’m one pothos away from losing my mind. How do I convince them we’ve hit our plant limit?
Drowning in Greenery
Ah, the plant obsession — a slippery slope that starts with a single succulent and ends with your home looking like the Rainforest Café. Don’t feel bad, Greenery, you’re not alone. Every houseplant enthusiast eventually crosses that line where they stop decorating with plants and start living for them. At this point, you’re just the roommate, and the plants are the stars of the show.
Now, how do you convince your spouse to stop? You don’t. Have you met a plant person? They’re more dedicated than a CrossFit coach. Plants are their babies, and suggesting there’s “too many” is like telling someone they have too many kids. So instead of fighting, I say lean in and add to the chaos. Buy a massive, absurd plant — something that takes over an entire corner of the house. When they see the monstrosity you’ve brought home, they might rethink their “you can never have too many” philosophy. Or they’ll love it, and you’ll just have to move out.
If subtle sabotage is more your style, start naming the plants. Give them ridiculous, high-maintenance personalities. “Oh, no, we can’t get another plant — Gertrude the Fern is feeling neglected, and Cedric the Succulent is in therapy because the ficus got a new pot.” The more absurd the stories, the more likely your spouse will realize things have gotten out of hand.
Or, you could propose a compromise: if they get another plant, you get something equally extravagant and unnecessary. A vintage pinball machine? A karaoke setup? A life-sized cutout of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for the living room? Let’s see how long the plant parade continues when there’s a competing hobby involved.
In the meantime, Greenery, prepare to embrace your jungle. Invest in a machete for navigating the kitchen and maybe a mosquito net for the bedroom. And who knows? If this keeps up, you might be able to start charging admission for guided tours of “The Great Indoor Forest.” Silver linings, right?
So, good luck! Remember, plants can’t talk back (yet), so you’ve got the upper hand… for now.
– Uncle Bobby