Holiday Weight Gain: Uncle Bobby's Guide to Surviving the Festive Calorie Apocalypse
Uncle Bobby –
Every year, I try to keep my weight in check during the holidays, but between the Halloween candy, Thanksgiving feasts, and Christmas cookies, I’m fighting a losing battle. Any tips for staying healthy while still enjoying the season?
Battling the Bulge
Ah, Battling, the noble fight against holiday weight gain — truly a war no one has ever won. Between bowls of candy corn, gravy-soaked everything, and sugar cookies shaped like Santa, the holidays aren’t just a time for joy and togetherness; they’re a calorie-packed gauntlet designed to test your willpower. Spoiler alert: the cookies always win.
Now, you could try good advice, like portion control or swapping mashed potatoes for cauliflower mash, but where’s the fun in that? Holidays are about indulgence, not discipline! My advice? Lean into the chaos. Forget about moderation and embrace the seasonal buffet like the champion you are. You’re not gaining weight, Battling — you’re “investing” in winter insulation. Totally practical.
But if you insist on staying “healthy,” try these foolproof strategies:
- Pace Yourself Like a Pro. Start training now by eating candy in small, frequent bursts. That way, by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, your stomach will be in peak form for marathon feasting. It’s called preparation, Battling — look it up.
- Create the Illusion of Self-Control. At holiday parties, pile your plate with salad, but strategically hide three brownies underneath. Everyone will think you’re super disciplined, and you still get your sugar fix. Win-win.
- Avoid Holiday Baking. Not because it’s unhealthy, but because you’ll eat all the batter before it even makes it into the oven. Trust me, I’ve been there. And yes, I regret nothing.
- Exercise… the Right Way. Forget the gym — that’s for January. Instead, take up competitive gift wrapping or sprinting to the fridge for the last slice of pie. It’s all about creative cardio.
And remember, Battling, holiday weight gain isn’t a problem — it’s tradition. You can’t fight it, but you can enjoy it. Eat the candy, scarf the stuffing, and toast to New Year’s resolutions that might happen. After all, the holidays are meant to be celebrated, not calorie-counted.
So grab a cookie, loosen your belt, and embrace the season in all its sugar-coated glory. You’ve got this! Or at least, you’ve got stretchy pants. Close enough.
– Uncle Bobby