Uncle Bobbys Survival Guide: Outlasting the Holiday Leftover Apocalypse
Dear Uncle Bobby - It’s almost February, and I just realized I still have a freezer full of Christmas cookies and a tin of homemade fudge that may or may not have been gifted to me by a relative I only see once a year. What am I supposed to do with this stuff? Eat it? Toss it? Build a gingerbread shelter for the next cold snap?
Chewing Over Your Dilemma,,
Sugared Out in January
Ah, Sugared Out, welcome to Holiday Leftovers: The Final Round, where we all suddenly realize that we hoarded treats like we were preparing for a dessert-based apocalypse, only to forget about them once the Christmas tree hit the curb.
Let’s break this down. If your freezer is stuffed with cookies that are now technically edible but morally questionable, you have a few options:
- Eat them and accept your fate. If you’re okay with the possibility that you might be snacking on the ghost of Christmas past, go for it. Bonus: freezer cookies are a great way to test your dental insurance.
- Rebrand them. Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Slap some red sprinkles on those bad boys and call them “limited edition.” If anyone questions the slight freezer burn, just say they’re artisanal.
- Donate them… to science. See how long they last on your counter before they become an independent life form. Or leave them in the breakroom at work—guaranteed someone will eat them by 10 a.m.
- Use them for self-defense. That fudge? That’s not food anymore. That’s a weapon. One well-aimed chunk of rock-hard chocolate could incapacitate an intruder. Keep a tin by the door—just in case.
And let’s pause for a second to talk about why this happens every year. Look, I get it. In December, every dessert feels special. “Oh, these are Aunt Carol’s famous peppermint bark bars!” Fast-forward to January, and suddenly you’re staring at a Ziplock bag full of sugar-dusted regrets. Why? Because holiday treats only taste good in December. After that, they turn into seasonal clutter.
But don’t worry—this is a cycle as old as time. By next Christmas, you’ll forget all about this and start hoarding sweets again like a squirrel preparing for winter. It’s fine. We all do it.
In short, Sugared Out, you have two choices: power through and eat the evidence, or toss it and pretend it never happened. Either way, remember this lesson for next year: December’s “treasured family recipes” are just January’s “why is my freezer full of stale regret?” Good luck, and may your molars survive the ordeal!
– Uncle Bobby