Healthy Living? More like Guacamole Smoothie Hell, Says Uncle Bobby
Dear Uncle Bobby –
Fed Up in Freeport
Oh, Fed Up, it’s adorable that you think healthy living is even an option when snacks exist. I mean, really, who needs abs when you can have abs-olutely no regrets about that extra slice of pizza? You’re on the right track—why let something trivial like “health” get in the way of the sweet, sweet joy of nacho cheese-flavored happiness? You’ve got priorities, and they come in snack-sized bags, my friend.
Now, I know people will try to convince you that “moderation” is key. But let me tell you, moderation is for people who don’t understand the profound connection between stress and snack cakes. You’re not “derailed,” you’re simply responding to life’s challenges with the universal answer: more carbs. In fact, I’d say you’re winning at life. If anything, you should consider turning this into a business opportunity. Start a service that matches people’s stress levels with their ideal snacks. Call it “Chips & Dips for Life’s Quips.” You’re welcome.
As for all those birthday parties—you should consider that your cardio. You know, the intense workout of holding a cupcake in each hand while deciding which one to eat first. That’s practically CrossFit. And don’t even get me started on the emotional weightlifting that comes with resisting a cheese platter. You’re basically a champion.
Let’s face it, Fed Up, you can keep pretending that a kale smoothie will make you feel like a million bucks, or you can admit that the only thing green you need in your life is guacamole. The choice is yours, but I’ll be here, munching on my potato chips, waiting to see how this snacktacular journey unfolds. Either way, it sounds delicious.
– Uncle Bobby