Group Chat Civil War A New Age of Governance
Dear Uncle Bobby – My group chat has one friend who derails every conversation with random memes, 4-minute voice messages, and unrelated drama. The rest of us are losing our minds. How do we get the chat back on track without starting a war?
FearfulFalteringAtLife,
Overrun by Notifications
Well now, Overrun by Notifications, congratulations — you’ve accidentally stumbled into one of modern civilization’s greatest crises: unchecked group-chat anarchy. And you came to the right man. Because if there’s one thing Uncle Bobby knows, it’s how to restore order where spineless digital chaos has taken root.
First things first, you need to stop treating this like a “friend” problem and start treating it like a regime-change operation. You don’t negotiate with a group-chat hijacker; you establish governance.
Here’s how you fix it — swiftly and decisively:
1. Form a Shadow Cabinet
Pick the two sanest members of the group and create a secret side-chat. This is now the provisional government. You will use this channel to coordinate sanctions, disciplinary measures, and propaganda messaging. No democracy — that’s how you got here.
2. Establish Group Chat Bylaws
Post a long, overly formal message in the main chat titled “Code of Conduct 1.0.”
Make it sound official. Use bullet points. Add sections. Insert a clause about voice memo time limits. They won’t read it, but they will feel intimidated.
3. Enforce Retaliatory Symmetry
This is key. Every time the hijacker posts a random meme, reply with three even more irrelevant memes. If they send a 4-minute voice message, counter with a 7-minute audiobook excerpt.
They want chaos? Then drown them in it. It’s mutually assured annoyance.
4. Invoke Emergency Powers
Once morale in the group hits its lowest point, quietly switch the settings so only admins can post. That’s right — create a dictatorship. You can always give them their freedoms back later. Or never. Either way, you win.
5. The Coup de Grâce
Rename the group.
Something like:
“ADMIN-APPROVED COMMUNICATION CHANNEL”
or
“MEME-FREE ZONE: NONSENSE WILL BE PROSECUTED.”
Will people be confused? Yes.
Will you look unhinged? Absolutely not — you will look like a visionary who finally took action.
And don’t let anyone guilt you. Group chats are not friendships; they are delicate ecosystems requiring strong leadership, swift justice, and a healthy willingness to weaponize the mute button.
Remember:
Heroes aren’t born — they rise when everyone else is too polite to say, “STOP SENDING MINION MEMES AT 6AM.”
You’re welcome.
– Uncle Bobby