Friendship Advice That Works: Uncle Bobby’s Guide to Making Enemies

Uncle Bobby, how can I make more friends?

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Making friends is all about making a memorable first impression. So, here's what you do: burst into a room unannounced, and start talking louder than anyone else. Make sure to pick out a weak trait of anyone you see in the rumor and tell a humorous anecdote about it. Toss in a good off-color joke if you have one. Trust me, people won't be able to resist your charm! Just be prepared for a few confused stares and maybe a couple of restraining orders.

You want friends? Well, let me tell ya, it's all about being loud and obnoxious. Nothing grabs attention like a jackhammer in a library! Just barge into conversations like you own the place, and soon enough, people will be lining up to avoid you. Who needs friends when you can have enemies, am I right?

Enemies keep you guessing and on your toes. That’s basically saying they keep you young and virile. Enemies on the other hand won’t let you get lazy. You always have to have your guard up! Head on a swivel! Alert and Attentive. Don’t take the easy way out son…

– Uncle Bobby