Freezing Feud Declare Your Climate Control
My office has turned into a nonstop fight over temperature. Some people keep the AC so cold you can see your breath, others run space heaters like campfires. It’s distracting and causing tension. How do I handle this without making enemies?
Sweltering Arctic Tension,
Thermostat Vigilante
Office temperature isn’t a discussion.
It’s a regime change.
You don’t negotiate weather. You declare it.
Pick the climate that flatters you and establish it as the standard. Not a suggestion. A standard. People respect confidence far more than degrees Fahrenheit.
Announce a grand compromise that is not a compromise. The Official Median Temperature. It’s whatever you set when no one’s looking. Print stickers for the thermostat that say “Do Not Touch — Calibrated by Experts.” You are the experts now. Congratulations.
Space heaters? Contraband. Rebrand them as “unpermitted electrical fireworks.” Collect them in a clear bin at reception like TSA. Tell everyone they can reclaim their devices during Summer Amnesty Week. Summer Amnesty Week never comes.
The AC maximalists will complain. Good. Install a box fan pointed directly at the loudest mouth and call it “targeted airflow.” If they move, the fan moves. That’s science.
Lock the thermostat in a clear acrylic case. Place a tiny rubber mallet on top. Pure theater. Leave a sign: “Break glass in case of apocalypse.” Nobody wants the paperwork.
By Friday, the war ends. Not because they agree. Because they’re tired.
You don’t solve disagreements. You outlast them.
Temperature is temporary. Authority is climate-controlled.
– Uncle Bobby