Uncle Bobby Exposes the Fitted Sheet Folding Conspiracy: A Snarky Guide
Dear Uncle Bobby, Is there an actual way to fold a fitted sheet, or is it just an elaborate prank society has been playing on me? No matter what I do, I just end up rolling it into a lumpy ball and shoving it into the closet. Is there a secret technique, or should I just accept my fate?
Tripping Over Linens,,
Wrinkled and Defeated
Ah, Wrinkled, you’ve stumbled upon one of the greatest scams of modern civilization—the so-called “proper” way to fold a fitted sheet. Spoiler alert: there isn’t one. It’s a lie, a myth, a fabric-based psychological operation designed to make you feel like a failure. Think about it—who actually folds a fitted sheet into a neat little square? NOBODY. You know who claims they can? The same people who put decorative towels in their bathrooms and get excited about spreadsheets. These people cannot be trusted. Now, let’s talk about why this happens. Fitted sheets are specifically engineered to fight back. You try to fold one side, and the other side rebels. You tuck in a corner, and it disappears into a vortex of elastic chaos. Meanwhile, the sheet is growing. Expanding. Becoming sentient. By the end of it, you’re just wrestling a tangled fabric monster that somehow looks worse than when you started. And don’t even bother looking up a “how-to” guide. Every video starts with, “It’s easy! Just tuck Corner A into Pocket B while aligning the seams on the X-axis,” like we’re launching a space shuttle instead of folding laundry. Five minutes in, you’re sweating, swearing, and questioning whether Big Linen is watching and laughing at your suffering. So what’s the solution? Simple. Give up. That’s right. Stop fighting it. Roll it into a ball like a normal human being and shove it into the closet where it belongs. Your future self will deal with it later, probably with the same amount of rage and confusion. In short, Wrinkled, you are not the problem—the sheet is. The sooner you accept that fitted sheets were never meant to be folded, the sooner you can reclaim your dignity. Stay strong, and remember: the only people folding them perfectly are probably in league with the towel-folding cult. Be careful out there.
– Uncle Bobby