Family Holiday Gathering: A Survival Guide for the Sacrificial Lamb

Uncle Bobby –

Frazzled in Fort Walton

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Ah, the family holiday gathering, where peace, love, and goodwill toward men come together to form a swirling vortex of passive-aggressive chaos.

Now, you say everyone has opinions?

That’s cute.

What they really have is a thinly disguised wish to see you crack under pressure like a Christmas ornament dropped from the roof.

But fear not, because Uncle Bobby has the perfect strategy:

Pretend to care just enough to keep them off your back, but not so much that you actually listen to any of them.

Here’s the plan:

First, send out a group text asking for suggestions.

Then, immediately ignore every single one.

Pick the location you want, the food you want, and yes, invite the cousin no one likes—

—because nothing screams “family holiday spirit” like awkward silences and forced small talk over a dry turkey.

As for dealing with the inevitable complaints,

just smile and say, “I’ll see what I can do,”

which, as we all know, is code for “Absolutely not, but thanks for playing.”

The key here is distraction:

Tell everyone you’ve planned an exciting family activity,

like a “White Elephant gift exchange.”

Then sit back and watch as they tear each other apart over a candle shaped like a reindeer or an old VHS tape someone dug out of the garage.

By the time the dust settles,

And when things inevitably go off the rails—

because they will—

just remember:

there’s always eggnog.

Lots and lots of eggnog.

Bonus points if you “accidentally” forget to take the family photo this year.

Nothing brings holiday joy like dodging the matching sweater debacle.

So, Frazzled,

don’t sweat it.

Embrace the madness,

pour yourself something festive,

and remember:

no one actually remembers what happened at last year’s gathering,

so whatever disaster you’re about to unleash will be forgotten in no time.

Probably.

Cheers!

– Uncle Bobby