Dating Batman (and His Plastic Friends): Should You Be Concerned?
Dear Uncle Bobby –
I've been dating this guy for about six months, and things are going great... except for one thing. He has this bizarre obsession with action figures. He has shelves full of them, still in the box, and he talks about them like they’re his children. It’s starting to feel like I’m competing with a 12-inch plastic Batman for his attention. Should I be worried? Or should I just accept that I’m dating a grown man who has a closer relationship with his toys than with me?
Confused in Crestview
Ah, Perplexed, what a classic conundrum you’ve found yourself in. You’ve hit the jackpot with a man who’s basically 85% adult, 15% stuck in a comic book universe where plastic superheroes save the day and all of his emotional baggage. But hey, at least he's loyal—to Batman.
Now, about those action figures. You say they’re still in the box? Oh, sweetheart, that’s a red flag the size of Gotham City. If he’s not even willing to let them breathe, you might as well get comfortable, because you’ll be playing second fiddle to Captain America and his pristine plastic abs for a long, long time.
Should you be worried? Only if you think it’s a problem to share your bed with an invisible army of action figures whispering sweet nothings like, “Mint condition.” But, on the bright side, dating a guy with a toy collection means he’ll never argue about where to put the “good towels.” His bathroom décor is probably already Avengers-themed, so you’re off the hook.
But, let’s not jump to conclusions! Maybe this is just a phase. You know, like when people go through their “I’m going to be an artist” stage and buy a bunch of paint supplies only to realize two months later that they’ve produced nothing but a finger-painted disaster. Give it another year—if his collection doesn’t start developing sentience and calling you ‘stepmom,’ you might be in the clear.
And let’s think about this practically. At least you always know where he is, perched on his couch, lovingly polishing Wolverine’s claws. It’s not like you’re going to lose him to a wild night out with the boys—unless, of course, they’re headed to Comic-Con, in which case, you’ll be lucky if he remembers to text you between panels on “The Evolution of Spider-Man's Suit.”
If you really want to test his devotion, suggest taking one out of the box. Watch as his eyes widen in horror, his hands tremble, and his voice hits an octave only dogs can hear. That’s when you’ll know: you’re not just dating a man—you’re dating his childhood dreams. And honey, those don’t die easy.
So, Perplexed, should you accept this fate? Well, that’s up to you. But if I were you, I’d start brushing up on my Marvel trivia and maybe learn how to dust shelves full of collectibles without ruining “their value.” Or, you know, you could always trade him in for a guy with a different hobby—like stamp collecting. But fair warning: those guys are wild.
In short, Perplexed, the ball—or action figure—is in your court. You can either embrace the chaos of his toy-filled world or accept that your future might include a lot of silent dinners with Iron Man staring at you from across the room. Either way, I’ll be here in my Batmobile, watching it all go down.
– Uncle Bobby