Corporate Cult Vibes Group Therapy with Extra Steps

Uncle Bobby

My coworker just invited me to a “Tuesday morning accountability circle” where we all share our weekly goals and clap for each other’s personal growth. Is this a supportive workplace practice or just group therapy with extra steps? I’m all for being productive, but do I really have to overshare before I’ve had my first cup of coffee?

Giddy Uppa Thare

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Oh joy, nothing says “corporate cult vibes” like a Tuesday morning accountability circle. That’s not productivity— it’s a hostage situation with dry-erase markers.

And why is it always the peppiest person in the office leading this stuff? You know the one—always chirping about “radical transparency” while you’re still fighting to open a granola bar without sounding like a chipmunk in a trash bag.

Here’s my advice: set your goals in private, like a normal human. If you hit 'em, great. If you don’t, nobody needs to know. You don’t need Janet clapping because you drank water before noon. You need Janet to stop asking how your inner child is healing.

So unless your personal growth plan involves escaping forced vulnerability before breakfast, I say skip the circle. Just smile, nod, and say your Tuesday goal is “not flipping a table.” That should buy you some space.

Final thought: If your team-building exercise feels like a wellness retreat run by overcaffeinated camp counselors, it’s okay to say no. You’re a grown adult, not a motivational quote in khakis.

Now go forth— and hydrate. Apparently that’s a goal now too.

– Uncle Bobby