Clearing The Airwaves Establishing Command
A coworker with no authority constantly gives directions, critiques my work, and inserts themselves into decisions. How do I handle this without causing trouble with my actual manager?
Fate-Bound To Failure,
Clipboard Caesar
You don’t have a coworker; you have a volunteer hall monitor in business-casual cosplay. This is not a conversation problem — it’s a sovereignty issue. Your desk has been annexed. You are working in occupied territory.
And occupied territory requires a flag.
So the first thing you do is establish chain of command like it’s gravity. When they start narrating your to-do list, you don’t argue — you declare. Calm voice. Soft smile.
“Appreciate the enthusiasm. Outside your lane.”
Then you turn back to your screen like a judge just dropped a gavel nobody else can hear.
Now you need symbols, because power only works if it looks official. Wear a bright lanyard that says “Command Receives Only From Manager.” Keep a stack of “Jurisdiction Notice” sticky notes and slap one on every stray instruction. Make it ceremonial. People respect ceremony the way crows respect shiny things.
Next, build a shrine to authority. Print the org chart at poster size, laminate it, and hang it behind your chair like a family crest. When they try to correct your work, you don’t respond — you just tilt your head toward the crest and let silence body-slam them.
Meetings become checkpoints. You open with:
“Rank check — whose name authorizes this decision?”
Then you point at your manager like a border agent stamping a passport. If the hall monitor keeps talking, you slide them two chairs back into the Observer Gallery you pre-labeled on the seating chart.
After that, you codify the law. Create an email macro titled “Non-Command Input Received.” CC your manager. List the correct approver. Add a footnote: Action pending from authorized source. Now it isn’t personal — it’s paperwork, which is the cruelest weapon ever invented.
Finally, you draw the border. Tape a neat little line around your desk labeled “Do Not Command Zone.” Plant a tiny flag. Anyone who crosses without rank gets the polite palm and the two-word verdict:
“Request denied.”
And when it’s time to end the war, you do it with pageantry. Call a Chain Review stand-up. Hand them a plastic coin that says “Morale Officer.” Announce their new non-decision-making role with applause. Then send a recap email titled “Command Clarified.”
That’s how lore becomes law.
– Uncle Bobby