Christmas Cards: Surviving the Festive Glitter Bombardment - Uncle Bobby's Guide
Uncle Bobby –
I’m getting absolutely bombarded with Christmas cards this year, and everyone is going way over the top. Family photos in matching sweaters, professionally designed layouts, newsletters detailing every moment of their year — it’s like everyone’s competing for “Card of the Year.” What happened to a simple card with “Merry Christmas” and a scribbled signature?
Buried in Glitter
Ah, Buried, welcome to the modern holiday arms race, where sending Christmas cards has evolved from a thoughtful gesture to a full-scale production requiring a budget, a photo shoot, and graphic design software. What happened to simple cards? They died the day someone discovered you could order custom foil-embossed holiday greetings with matching envelopes. RIP, generic card aisle.
Back in the good ol’ days, a Christmas card was simple: you grabbed a 10-pack for $4, signed it with a ballpoint pen that barely worked, and sent it off with a vague “Hope you’re well!” Boom. Festive box: checked. Now? Oh no, Buried, you’ve got families showing up in matching plaid, their dogs wearing bowties, and a caption that says something obnoxious like “Merry & Bright — Blessings from the Hendersons!” Meanwhile, you’re just trying to keep the glitter from their card off your couch.
And let’s talk about the newsletters. Because apparently, Christmas cards aren’t enough anymore — now we need a three-page essay on Timmy’s soccer highlights, Becky’s piano recital, and Greg’s new obsession with woodworking. If I wanted a life update, I’d have asked for one. At this point, they’re basically seasonal résumés disguised as holiday cheer.
Now, my advice? Give up on competing. You can’t win this fight, Buried — not unless you want to rent a llama, slap some reindeer antlers on it, and hire a drone photographer to capture your “unique holiday vibe.” Instead, take the opposite approach. Go low-effort legend. Send out the cheapest cards you can find, write “To Whom It May Concern” on the inside, and sign it with just your initials. Bonus points if you include a blurry photo of your thumb by mistake.
Or, if you’re feeling spicy, send a single card to your most competitive friend with this message: “Merry Christmas. I threw yours away already — figured you’d do the same with mine.” Boom. Festive mic drop.
In the end, Buried, Christmas cards aren’t about who has the fanciest fonts or the most curated lives — they’re about pretending you care just enough to put something in the mail. So scribble your name, slap on a stamp, and remember: simple is classy… and a whole lot cheaper. Happy mailing!
– Uncle Bobby