Back-to-School Panic Storming Target for Hazmat Lunchboxes

Uncle Bobby, is it just me or has back-to-school season started earlier every year? It’s August 1st, my kids are still feral, and every store is acting like I’m already late buying hazmat suits and $80 backpacks. Why is the back-to-school rush getting more ridiculous every year?

Parentally Tapped Out

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I walk into Target yesterday for deodorant and a loaf of bread and came out with a $78 receipt, a list of school supplies I can’t pronounce, and a migraine. Why? Because apparently, if your kid doesn't show up on Day One with six pre-sharpened Ticonderogas, a hazmat-grade sanitizer pump, and a $65 backpack with a USB charging port and tactical armor plating, you’re a failure as a parent and probably hate education.

And don’t even get me started on tax-free weekend. That’s when the state pretends to be generous by knocking a dollar off your kid’s $300 calculator — while you fight three other moms in the aisle over the last pack of wide-ruled notebooks like it’s Black Friday for Bic pens.

Meanwhile, the kids? They’re still feral. We’ve got two weeks until school, and they’ve gone full Mad Max. They're barefoot, sticky, and living off freezer pops and iPad glare. But the commercials want me to believe they’re waking up early, brushing their teeth, and choosing outfits like it’s the first day already. Please. My kid wore the same swimsuit for six days straight and I only noticed because it started crunching.

Here’s an idea: let’s not pretend it’s back-to-school just because the seasonal aisle flipped overnight. Give us two more weeks of summer chaos before we’re guilt-tripped into buying a $29 pencil pouch shaped like a llama.

Because if one more store tells me to "get ready" for the school year, I’m gonna take my glue stick and emotionally support Capri Sun and run straight into the woods.

– Uncle Bobby