Baby Sleep Schedule: A Delusional Parent's Guide to Serenity
Uncle Bobby –
Sleepless in Shalimar
Ah, yes, the joys of parenthood — where sleep becomes less of a necessity and more of a distant memory, like that time you thought life was manageable.
It sounds like your baby has taken it upon herself to become the next great opera star, which, by the way, is great for her career but less ideal for your sanity.
Dont worry, though — sleep deprivation is basically just boot camp for your next 18 years.
You’re doing great.
Now, let me get this straight:
you want your baby to sleep through the night?
How adorable. That’s like asking a tornado to “calm down” because you’ve got a meeting in the morning.
Babies have their own agenda, my friend, and spoiler alert — you are not on it.
They sleep when they feel like it, which is usually right after you’ve had your third cup of coffee at 6 a.m.
But sure, let’s pretend for a second that you have a shot at convincing a tiny human to follow a sleep schedule.
Babies love bribes.
A cozy blanket, maybe a song that doesn’t sound like you’re weeping on the inside, and voilà! Problem solved.
Or not.
Honestly, you’d have better luck training a cat to do your taxes.
If that fails — which it will —
You could always try the ol’ standby:
just give in to the madness.
Forget trying to sleep at normal hours and fully embrace the nocturnal lifestyle.
Who needs sunlight?
You can start watching late-night infomercials, develop an unhealthy relationship with energy drinks,
and become one of those people who talk about “sleep hygiene” like it’s an optional hobby.
And hey, think of all the extra time you’ll have to scroll through social media and pretend the outside world still exists!
Sleepless, the short answer is no,
You’re not going to sleep again.
Not until she’s a teenager,
and by then, you’ll be wide awake worrying about other things,
like whether she’s figured out how to sneak out of the house.
But hey, at least you’ll get to experience the sweet, sweet freedom of naps in your retirement home.
Until then, I suggest you invest in a good eye mask and noise-canceling headphones — not for her, for you.
Sleep well… or don’t!
– Uncle Bobby