Anti-Self-Care Bingo Mastering Lifes Art of Neglect

Dear Uncle Bobby, Everywhere I look it’s all “self-care Sundays,” meditation, green juice, take a bubble bath blah blah blah. But now I’m hearing about something called anti-self-care bingo. What’s that about?

Drowning In Serenity,
High Functioning Disaster

---

Oh, self-care. The movement that started with “maybe drink some water and take a nap” and somehow mutated into elitist aromatherapy with a minimum spend.

Now we’ve gone full-circle and created Anti-Self-Care Bingo — finally, a wellness trend I’m qualified for.

Picture it: a bingo card plastered with nothing but bad life choices.

Instead of “Face Mask” — Fall Asleep in Jeans.

Instead of “Hydrate” — Pretend Coffee is Water.

Instead of “Yoga Class” — Accidentally Eat All the Cheese Before Bed.

You want a free space?

That’s “Did Absolutely Nothing to Improve Myself Today” — center square, baby. Boom. Instant progress.

Let me help you fill out your card:

• Skipped Breakfast / Called It Intermittent Fasting
• Replied “Seen” Instead of Texting Back
• Stared at a Wall Thinking About That One Dumb Thing You Said in 2013
• Opened the Fridge 20 Times / Still Didn’t Cook
• Stayed Up Late Because You Deserved “Me Time” / Cried at 7am
• Bought a Plant / Killed It Accidentally (or Emotionally)

You hit bingo when you:

✅ Ignore every red flag in your inbox
✅ Eat dinner over the sink like a raccoon
✅ And end the day whispering “Tomorrow I will be better,” knowing full damn well you won’t

Self-care experts say you should set boundaries.
I say build emotional toll booths and charge people for crossing.

Self-care says go for a walk.
I say avoid movement until your Watch thinks you’ve died.

Self-care says speak kindly to yourself.
I say gaslight your stress until it forgets why it showed up.

So grab a bourbon, pick up that bingo card, and be proud.  Because in a world obsessed with curated healing — sometimes the most rebellious act is to not even try.

Now go forth and win at losing.

– Uncle Bobby