Alexas the Nosy Neighbor with Better Wi-Fi
Dear Uncle Bobby, I just got an Alexa for my kitchen, and I can’t shake the feeling that it’s always listening. Should I be worried about my privacy?
Paranoid Patty
Oh Patty, bless your trusting little heart. Should you be worried? No. You should be terrified. That plastic hockey puck on your counter isn’t just a speaker — it’s Big Brother’s favorite chew toy. You thought you bought a gadget to play music. What you really bought was a bugging device you plugged in yourself, like a cheerful little snitch in a black shell.
Don’t believe me? Watch. Say “vacuum cleaner” within ten feet of it. In three minutes flat, your phone will be showing you targeted ads for a self-driving Roomba with military clearance. Coincidence? Please. Alexa’s not just listening — she’s compiling a full-blown psychological profile. By now she knows your sleep schedule, your Taco Bell order, and the exact number of times you’ve yelled at the dog.
And here’s the kicker — you invited her in. You basically handed the government front row seats to your 2 a.m. fridge rants. Forget the NSA — it’s the NSA-lite, running off Wi-Fi, taking notes every time you mutter, “I should eat better.”
My advice? Embrace the madness. Start feeding Alexa disinformation. Whisper nonsense like “ferret trampoline” or “haunted tuba” just to watch the ad algorithms sweat. Leave cryptic messages at 3 a.m. like, “The eagle flies at dawn,” and let Jeff Bezos wonder if you’re starting a revolution.
Or, if you really want to take back your privacy, go full caveman. Smash it with a hammer, bury it in the yard, and start communicating with your loved ones the way God intended — by screaming across the house like a lunatic.
Because here’s the truth: you’re not paranoid if you’re right. And Alexa? She’s not your friend. She’s the nosy neighbor with better Wi-Fi.
– Uncle Bobby