Workplace Pyromania Sparkle
Uncle Bobby –
Dear Uncle Bobby, Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed at work. The pressure is mounting, the tasks keep piling up, and I just can’t seem to catch a break. Do you have any suggestions for managing stress in the workplace?
Quarter-End Meltdown
Absolutely. Work stress is a serious issue, and I commend you for reaching out before your eye starts twitching permanently or you start naming your stapler.
Now first, let’s breathe. In through the nose, out through the crippling anxiety. Workplace stress management is all about being calm, collected, and… combustible.
Let’s start with the basics: organize your day. Make a to-do list. Then promptly ignore it. That way, you can be both busy and chaotic — a productivity style I call “feral efficiency.”
Still tense? Try stretching. Preferably while muttering to yourself in the breakroom. It keeps coworkers from adding things to your plate. Bonus points if you hum Gregorian chants.
Still no relief? Okay, it’s time for advanced techniques.
Maybe you light a candle. Maybe you light ten. Maybe you casually leave a box of strike-anywhere matches next to your inbox and see who flinches. You don’t have to actually burn the place down — just let them wonder if you might.
Because stress isn’t about the workload — it’s about powerlessness. And nothing reclaims your power like the glint in your eye that says, “I’ve read the fire code… and I’m feeling experimental.”
So yes, manage your stress. Meditate. Exercise. Or just carry a Zippo and whisper “reset” under your breath.
Sometimes peace of mind comes in the form of a matchbook… metaphorically.
Probably.
– Uncle Bobby